Lamaze, or what to do when contractions are 7 minutes apart at 1 a.m.

Jath and I are doing Lamaze, which according to Bill Cosby, falls into the class of "things intellectuals study that people already know how to do naturally." After two weeks, I would beg to differ--respectfully, of course.

Mind you, our Lamaze class is hilariously stereotypical. Exhibit A: our Finland-born, German-trained MD instructor, who happens to have a name that puts vowels and consonants in places one would never think possible. She has a moderately strong accent, which only makes the anatomy discussions more entertaining, and a penchant for randomly asking questions while holding up a large chart and pointing to the answer (apparently, audience participation rates had been low).

Exhibit B? The baby doll stuffed inside a giant knit wool "uterus" that our instructor keeps dropping and wedging into a science-class style pelvic bone. The fact that the baby has made it through said pelvis exactly 1 time so far (out of dozens of droppings and wedgings) does not instill confidence in the class. We did learn, however, that Jath can apparently just bounce around on a giant inflatable exercise ball and the baby will magically get into that 1 position. If you hadn't guessed, my first assigned labor task is to "Get the ball!"

We've also been learning lots of acronyms that will help us remember important information while in the panic of early labor. Fortunately, one of those acronyms is the easy to remember "COAT". Unfortunately, Jath will most likely be giving birth in the dead of winter, when either one of us screaming the word "coat" at each other could result in more than a little confusion. Other acronyms, like "EAT" (early labor, active labor, transition), are not so helpful.

Which brings me to this week's class: the "curious couples hospital tour"--which seems to be a rather insightful if not 9ish-months-too-late name for the event--followed by "videos." Needless to say, I won't be posting about that one.